It's not funny baby.

Why does life always give us a taste of what could be? Why is it always that cruel? Do we have to endure it, just hoping that someday we'll be able to make it, and live the way we want to? Do we have to live through these tests and suffer everything life throws our way?
I'm tired of heving to cope with everything around me, tired of having just a taste of something amazing that could last a really long time. I'm sick of all the things that make me feel lost, shaken. I don't like living a life where I always feel like I'm exposed to the world, its whims, its crazy encounters. I just need a hug today.

Odio sentirme atrapada y a la vez completamente descubierta. En este momento siento mi alma en el vacío del mundo, abierta a cualquier cosa, abierta al dolor, la tristeza, el enojo. Estoy sensible y expuesta, vulnerable. Por qué tenemos que vivir cosas que la vida nos tira, o nos amaga a mostrar? Cuál es la necesidad de mostrarnos algo que sabe que queremos, que es difícil que tengamos? Algún día va a quedar algo de eso?
No me conformo fácil, asique si la vida quiere darme algo que quiere que me quede, le aconsejaría que sea exactamente lo que quiero, o tengo necesidad de tener. No quiero vivir más con el dolor de saber que lo que quiero está ahí afuera, y no puedo tenerlo para el resto de mi vida. Ya no es gracioso. Hoy no encuentro de qué reirme. No tengo interés por la risa. Quiero un abrazo, y sé exactamente de quién lo quiero. I'm never going to tell.

Dios, por favor dame paciencia para soportar los mambos de la vida!

"The bird and the worm" - Owl City

In a moment of sadness, I began reminiscing... And I remembered that I shared this song with my best friends from school. It lifted my mood like a balloon as soon as I heard it!

"If you're the worm, whenever we prtend it's summer,
Then I'm the worm, I know the part, it's such a bummer,
But fair is fair. If my segments get separated I'll scream,
And you'll be there.

"Close your eyes (close my eyes),
slide the cotton off of your shoulder,
and feel the shine (feel the shine),
I'm hooked so toss me over and cast a line (we'll all try).
I'll throw a party and greet my under-sea friends (it depends),
As they arrive (if they arrive).

"You and I left our troubles far behind,
But I still have just one more question on my mind,
For all my pals who live in the oceans and the seas,
With friends like these, well, who needs enemies?

"If I'm your boy, I'll take a shortcut we remember.
And we'll enjoy picking apples in late September,
Like we've done for years.
Then we'll take a long walk through the cornfield,
And I'll kiss you... Between the ears.

"If you're my girl, swirl me around your room with feeling,
And as we twirl, the glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceiling
Will shine for us, as love sweeps over the room
'Cause we tend to make each other blush (you make me blush).

"You and I left our troubles far behind (troubles far behind),
But I still have just one more question on my mind,
For all my pals who live in the oceans and the seas,
With fronds like these, well, who needs anenomies?

"You're the bird, I'm the worm and it's plain to see...
That we were meant to be.
We were meant to be!

"We were meant to be (if you're the bird, if you're the bird).
(Then I'm the worm)We were meant to be."

It's been years...

It's been years since I've written something in this blog... I feel out of myself lately. I'm not who I used to be, what I used to be. I feel like every cell in my body is about to explode. Who am I lately? Why do I depend on people? What happened to me?
Quiero estar en mi capullo de vuelta. Volver al colegio, tener los amigos que siempre tuve. Este blog es el único lugar donde puedo escribir sin que me juzgen, sin miedo a que alguien lea la indirecta que le acabo de tirar. Necesito de esa simpleza con la que vivía antes, necesito una cierta sonrisa. Con el tiempo que pasó, me olvidé de quién soy, quién era.

I could love you for all eternity.

Give me a reason not to love you; you will not find any. I am what you believe certain, and all you can see is a part of me. You could cry for days, but I will always be by your side. Nothing is ever going to hurt you while I watch from where I am. There's something about you that makes me wonder, it makes me want to see. Your soul reaches into the depth of my heart and wanders there for all eternity. I could stand next to you for years and you will never notice my presence, but still, I will protect you. You are a piece of me, you are a part of my life, you have all of my heart in the palm of your hands. If you know all you see is what I am, you can understand how in love with you I am. I am the server of your hand, I am the server of your soul. Anything you say I will write for ever. Anything you say I will respect and love for all eternity. My heart is chained to yours in an invisible net of soft, firm chains. What you desire is what I will give. What you say is what I will write. Now and for ever, your wish is my command, because my love for you is unconditional, uncertain and invisible, but as strong, beautiful and lasting as a diamond on a golden chain neclace. 

It does not exist.

Give me something that doesn't exist, just so I can bring it to life. I want to express, not impress; and I don't care what anyone thinks. This is my life, this is my world. I want this, and nobody can take it away from me. I possess a charm in something about me that can only be seen by those who look closely. What I write was meant for certain people. Who cannot see, or cannot interpret are not worthy of what I write. This is just the hand of someone who can merely follow what it is told to do. I do not forget, and I do not remember either. But every moment I have seen remains untouched, exactly the way it happened. 

Nothing is far... We are one and the same.

Time... Time draws us together, gives us hope and makes us miss the rest. We live in our own world... Immerse in the fantasy of pure dreams. Time gives these things as gifts to us. It seals wounds which are now open or were open once, it gives us the option of preparing for the future. Time now has our lives in its hands... We depend on it, we live by it, we search for it everywhere we go. No matter how hard we try, we can never escape the measure of time. 

Our own worlds are made for one another. We can merge our minds, but never seem to see what the other person means or lives by. Something in the way we act makes everything so much easier... Which makes us stick together, and never strips us apart. This time we shall know what we do, what we say, and place it all far from our own minds. That way we can easily relate to anything that goes on around us, just for the simple fact that nothing is too far. Nothing goes further than the mind, nothing can go further than what we think. It is widely known that the mind cannot bare infinity, but if we're allowed to just think about it, we will eventually grasp the concept and just accept the fact that it exists. It is all in there... Somewhere. We'll just have to let time tell. 

I see a door in the distance, at the end of the tunel where I stand. A sound at my back lets me know I'm not alone. I can't turn my head, so I start running. No matter how hard I try, no matter how fast I run, I can never reach the door. My head is stuck in one place, and all I see si the door. The sound of heavy footsteps coming toward me make me desperate. My head spins, it twists and turns, churning, making me dizzy with adrenaline to just run, as fast as I possibly can, but the door is still too far away...
A hand touches my shoulder. I never got to the door...

Silencio, lágrimas y lluvia.

Corriendo, jamás me di cuenta que la vida se me estaba pasando por al lado, y no podía verla. El sonido de mis pies golpeteando en el asfalto resonaba en mis oídos e impedía que pudiera escuchar la tranquilidad de la vida. Por momentos creía poder ver a mis costados también algo, aparte de lo que podía ver acercándose a mi por el camino. Creía poder ver lo que no estaba viviendo... Mi vida se basaba en la corrida, la carrera por un mismo camino, un estado de sueño interminable, y una inconsciencia que me llevaba al límite de mis capacidades.

Por momentos creía estar ahí, viviendo la realidad, abriendo mis puertas a lo más cercano a la naturaleza de mi ser. Sentía la libertad tocando la punta de mis dedos, y el estado de tranquilidad infinita que me rodeaba.

Una mañana desperté de un sueño en el que me ahogaba. Desesperada intentaba llegar a la superficie para tomar aire, pero no había posibilidad, algo me sostenía en el fondo del mar. No veía que era, pero me atrapaba, y no me liberaba. No podía aguantar más la necesidad de respirar, e inevitablemente, inhalé. No hay palabras para explicar el horror que sentía al ver que mi cuerpo ya no respondía, y que todo el aire que tenía dentro, subía por el agua en forma de burbujas que flotaban tan fácilmente a la superficie. Por unos instantes sufrí. Viví lo que ningún ser debe vivir, y la pena, la tristeza, me trajo de nuevo a la realidad, y me abrió los ojos, para darme cuenta de que todo lo que había visto había sido producto de mi mente.

Alguien me esperaba del otro lado de mi vida. Alguien que caminaba a mi par. No me di cuenta de esto hasta hace unas semanas. Conocí a quien lograba caminar cuando yo corría, y a calmar cuando yo desesperaba. Sin embargo, algo estaba mal. Seguía sin poder vivir de ese lado, la vida. No había manera de cruzar. Observaba como desplegaba su vida a mi lado, mostrándome todo de ella, y todo hecho por el que había pasado en algún momento. Lo único que quería era estar a su lado, poder hacer lo mismo juntos... Pero estaba fuera de mi alcance eso. Busqué toda manera de cruzar para estar a su lado, pero no había forma.

Algo cambió. Lo que antes podía ver, no lo puedo ver más. Se nubló la pared que antes era invisible que separaba su vida de la mia. Ya no veo del otro lado, y parece a propósito. La realidad me mostró una vida tan distinta a la mia, y a la vez, tan igual, y no puedo formar parte de ella. No puedo pisar ese camino tan tranquilo, y ahora tampoco puedo ver a quien me proporcionaba esa tranquilidad. Quiero poder volver atrás, poder pisar el camino por el que andábamos antes, donde podía verte. Donde compartíamos vidas.

Otra vez, la vida sigue nublando el muro. Sigue oscureciéndose cada vez más este lado, y lo único que puedo pensar, es que intentas olvidarme. Intentas buscar la manera de olvidar ese momento tan furiosamente como yo busco revivirlo.

Sigo corriendo... La vida sigue pasando... Se me nubla el cielo, y en el mundo vecino, el cielo es azul. No hay explicación, y no exijo ninguna. Lo único que pido es un momento de silencio, lágrimas, y lluvia.

A silent river.

Silence invades me. My body is surrounded by it, and inside it silence is the king that reigns. All I hear is the breeze, and the distant sound of a slow river flowing, shinning like crystal under the morning sun. 

Something, I fear, is not right. I don't feel it anymore. Somewhere, someone is shaking, and they can't seem to stop. I feel every movement, every single quiver of that trembling body. But I have no way of stopping it, even if I run, there is no way I can get to the source of my fears. Still I feel nothing that has to do with what most matters to me. 

But in spite of this, there he stands, alone, waiting. There he is, looking, glaring. A slight turn of the head, a long breath released, and he is next to me. Silence is king again, and now queen as well. One movement of the hand, and the sky opens. His eyes fix to mine in one magical second, and all I see is the color that lives in them. The silence grows, leaving his breath as the only possible sound. No movement alerts me, nothing calls my attention more than him. 

I live in silence. I live in him. Silence is my kingdom, silence is my king. Reason means nothing to me in this moment, but feeling is what matters. Feeling brings me to him. 

And silence is my king. I adore thee.