I want to find my home. The place where I can find myself, the place where I can feel identified. My place. I can't seem to get close to where I want to be, to where I want to exist, and transform into what I really am; ME. I want to be able to smile at the sky, open my mouth and let raindrops fall into it, run under showers of pouring rain, and cry whenever I want to. I want to be able to shift personalities whenever I feel like snapping at anyone, of suddenly grin at that same person. I want to be able to do those things without being judged, without being looked at strangely, without being stared at. I want to smile and cry and be aggressive mad, then laugh again, shout, scream. I want to be able to do everything I want to do, whenever I want to do it.
But labels stop me from it. I can't act that way in a world that is ruled by prejudice, and labels from everyone. I find it very hard to find myself in a place where I can't be who I really am. I want to find my inner me, and make that person rule over everything else. I know I can do it, but I just find it hard that when I have to try and make it squirm through all the problems, conflicts arise every single time I try it. People who look at me as if I were insane, eyes that stare, bodies that move away, people who feel awkwardly uncomfortable, hands and shoulders that move restlessly away. Everything happens as soon as all this goes by.
Sometimes, the fact of bringing myself to reality, and the person that resides deep in my conscience, makes the people who are close to me move closer, and those who do not know me are wary, but as I am open and have no problem in bringing them close to me, I do just that, and they do. Opening to the world is like creating a magnet inside of you, and makes you happier, makes you feel better.
Right now, I cannot say I am happy. Because I am not, and every minute that goes by does not help either; it just makes it worse.
I want to find myself the way I once did. I want to see if I can. I want to smile again, but before that, I want to talk to someone who can understand me. Nobody seems to be in that situation right now, so I have noone. I just wish so much that I would.
Jan 12, 2013
Jan 10, 2013
The delight of being alive.
One night after another. One that precedes the next, and the next preceded by this night. Moments, seconds, hours, days, months, years. Time. A measurement. A mere second in what will come next, what we will go towards. The moment which we cannot control our senses, our destiny, our emotions. The second we discover we are infinite. We are infinite. We are what we choose to be, and what we decide. We love the way we think we deserve to be loved, and so do others. The night is back, and we do not know where we are headed, what we are looking for.
Imagine living in a moment between the beginning of the end and the end of time. A fraction of a second that makes you focus, concentrate, meditate on that thought. A moment of daylight when nighttime is not to be seen for a long moment. Imagine that - for that one second - you've got everything, everything you've ever wanted. Still, there is a certain hole, a blackness you cannot explain to yourself or others. There it is, waiting, holding its ground for you to remember it, to consider why you think you have everything. You believe in that thought, you ponder over it, and open your mind once again, trying to focus on your happiness, and not the emptiness you feel. The day begins to fade away, leaving twilight to show, and eventually it is nighttime. Darkness shows itself again, one more time, reminding you of that second in time where you found a void in your life. The hollowness you feel in your chest weighs on your body, your heart, and depletes you. Your back arches to the front trying to fight it, but all you get in response is a word. A simple word which has more meaning and power than anything anyone can ever imagine. A word that fills anyone with possibilities, a future, and happiness for ever and always. You concentrate, focus, on that word, silently. In that short second, in that moment, everything just happened. Everything is what you've just witnessed. It is all that has an ability to shake your world apart, and reconstruct it in that second, in that exact moment when you cannot control anything anymore. Nighttime fades and the sun begins to shine, the clouds clear after a rainy night, a rainy moment, where tears flooded your cheeks, and blinded your eyes. What you did not notice is that even in nighttime, light shines. A light that has an intensity to fly for years across any void, any emptiness, any moment. As the day floods your eyes, and fills them again with joy, you hear the loud cry. Yes, it calls. Yes, is all you hear again and again. That word makes you believe, makes you glad you are alive, just so that you can hear it. YES is the word that had you waking from that black vastness, letting you out of the hole you were deep into. Keeping you awake now that it can, and making you shine once again. The torso you had left bent over your legs, straightens from the back, letting your body, your life, shine once again in that fraction of a moment, during the last second of time. You understand the meaning now, and look up to the sky and watch as the air opens up and greets you with light smiles and breezy happiness as it once promised it would. You feel the tug at the sides of your lips, and give in to a grin that produces light by itself, the light you have been waiting to see. Gladly, you soak your body in that happiness, and wish everyone to have the same you have witnessed, you have had, in this second, this moment, this last fraction of time in your life: the delight of being alive.
Imagine living in a moment between the beginning of the end and the end of time. A fraction of a second that makes you focus, concentrate, meditate on that thought. A moment of daylight when nighttime is not to be seen for a long moment. Imagine that - for that one second - you've got everything, everything you've ever wanted. Still, there is a certain hole, a blackness you cannot explain to yourself or others. There it is, waiting, holding its ground for you to remember it, to consider why you think you have everything. You believe in that thought, you ponder over it, and open your mind once again, trying to focus on your happiness, and not the emptiness you feel. The day begins to fade away, leaving twilight to show, and eventually it is nighttime. Darkness shows itself again, one more time, reminding you of that second in time where you found a void in your life. The hollowness you feel in your chest weighs on your body, your heart, and depletes you. Your back arches to the front trying to fight it, but all you get in response is a word. A simple word which has more meaning and power than anything anyone can ever imagine. A word that fills anyone with possibilities, a future, and happiness for ever and always. You concentrate, focus, on that word, silently. In that short second, in that moment, everything just happened. Everything is what you've just witnessed. It is all that has an ability to shake your world apart, and reconstruct it in that second, in that exact moment when you cannot control anything anymore. Nighttime fades and the sun begins to shine, the clouds clear after a rainy night, a rainy moment, where tears flooded your cheeks, and blinded your eyes. What you did not notice is that even in nighttime, light shines. A light that has an intensity to fly for years across any void, any emptiness, any moment. As the day floods your eyes, and fills them again with joy, you hear the loud cry. Yes, it calls. Yes, is all you hear again and again. That word makes you believe, makes you glad you are alive, just so that you can hear it. YES is the word that had you waking from that black vastness, letting you out of the hole you were deep into. Keeping you awake now that it can, and making you shine once again. The torso you had left bent over your legs, straightens from the back, letting your body, your life, shine once again in that fraction of a moment, during the last second of time. You understand the meaning now, and look up to the sky and watch as the air opens up and greets you with light smiles and breezy happiness as it once promised it would. You feel the tug at the sides of your lips, and give in to a grin that produces light by itself, the light you have been waiting to see. Gladly, you soak your body in that happiness, and wish everyone to have the same you have witnessed, you have had, in this second, this moment, this last fraction of time in your life: the delight of being alive.
Jan 6, 2013
Life. It's like a boiling pot, where I'm the tomato sauce bubbling inside it.
What the hell is wrong with me? I go back and forth. I get up and sit back down. I look forward, but then want to look back again. Can't I stay still and look at where I'm standing right now? God Almighty. What is this? Although, I still need to look forward -a close future- and smile about it, because I still can.
Dec 1, 2012
Lo físico, lo incomprensible, lo fácil, lo difícil.
Lo que uno puede ver, tocar, sentir es materia física. Lo inalcanzable es lo que uno realmente desea, lo que se admira. La realidad que revuelve a nuestro alrededor es lo que nos traiciona, lo que nos atrae a los detalles mas mínimos de nuestra existencia. Una vez leí un texto sin sentido alguno; me atrajo, pero no lo comprendí. Sin embargo, lo escribí yo.
Lo que la mente crea son ilusiones que se van con la mirada de un ángel, lo que la mente no ve es lo que realmente existe. La materia física no es mas que un sinfín de pensamientos y una historia, un cuento que no tiene final. O quizás sí, pero que no se ve, es cierto. Si no se logra captar la realidad, dónde es que vivimos? Que es la vida sino mera inexistencia? Por qué existimos? Qué es lo que hace que seamos nosotros o nadie, o alguien? Quién es que lleva todo eso bajo su poder?
Dicen que Dios es grande, que todo lo puede, y que nos guarda bajo la protección de su ala angelical, pero realmente puede hacer que todos y cada uno de nosotros se mantenga a salvo? Puede ser lo que nosotros estamos viviendo ahora lo que va a reflejar nuestra vida a su lado? Dicen, también que allá no existe el tiempo, lo cual concuerda con mi forma de ser, un par de agujas que giran en un círculo concéntrico y no se frenan por ningún motivo. Por más que nuestro cuerpo físico se engendre en el vientre de nuestras madres, crezcamos para hacer una pequeña diferencia en este mundo, ya sea para una sola persona o para miles de millones, y nos vayamos de aquí sin aviso alguno, repentinamente, a entrar en ese mundo que todos dicen que sea tan fantástico, el tiempo va a seguir avanzando y los cambios, en lo que es visible a nuestros ojos hoy, serán gigantescos, y estaremos vagando por lo que es ahora desconocido, con la sabiduría de mil mundos, y las amistades de otros mil mundos.
El intento de reconocer algún rastro de lo que es mi vida hoy, se ha desvanecido con el inexistente tiempo. El intento de conseguir esa sabiduría inmensa de la que se habla, es más simple de lo que parece. Las personas en este mundo utilizan solamente una pequeña porción de lo que es su cerebro; lo que lograrían si pudieran aprender a utilizarlo en su totalidad. La reconciliación con lo que se vive en este mundo, por momentos se desvanece de mi alma y se reengendra en mi corazón, una vez finalizada su visita a lo desconocido, para otra vez conocer lo desconocido, y así lograr lo que me era difícil antes.
La gran descarga de energía, la gran ayuda que esperábamos, el momento que todo llega a su fin, y cada uno termina su misión como debe, de la forma que debe, se realizará cuando se deba... Pero hasta que llegue ese momento, cada uno permanece intrigado durante un largo período, queriendo saber que es lo que lo rige, que es lo que hace que se comporte de esa forma, que es lo que lo maneja tal como un titiritero a un títere.
Lo que no se comprende hoy, se comprenderá mañana o cuando se comprenda. La sonrisa facilita la percepción de esa comprensión. Todo lo puede. El alma y el cuerpo son uno, pero si vives la vida de un corazón estresado, siempre latiendo rápido, débilmente: ni el alma ni el cuerpo te acompañarán en tu travesía por este mundo.
Lo que la mente crea son ilusiones que se van con la mirada de un ángel, lo que la mente no ve es lo que realmente existe. La materia física no es mas que un sinfín de pensamientos y una historia, un cuento que no tiene final. O quizás sí, pero que no se ve, es cierto. Si no se logra captar la realidad, dónde es que vivimos? Que es la vida sino mera inexistencia? Por qué existimos? Qué es lo que hace que seamos nosotros o nadie, o alguien? Quién es que lleva todo eso bajo su poder?
Dicen que Dios es grande, que todo lo puede, y que nos guarda bajo la protección de su ala angelical, pero realmente puede hacer que todos y cada uno de nosotros se mantenga a salvo? Puede ser lo que nosotros estamos viviendo ahora lo que va a reflejar nuestra vida a su lado? Dicen, también que allá no existe el tiempo, lo cual concuerda con mi forma de ser, un par de agujas que giran en un círculo concéntrico y no se frenan por ningún motivo. Por más que nuestro cuerpo físico se engendre en el vientre de nuestras madres, crezcamos para hacer una pequeña diferencia en este mundo, ya sea para una sola persona o para miles de millones, y nos vayamos de aquí sin aviso alguno, repentinamente, a entrar en ese mundo que todos dicen que sea tan fantástico, el tiempo va a seguir avanzando y los cambios, en lo que es visible a nuestros ojos hoy, serán gigantescos, y estaremos vagando por lo que es ahora desconocido, con la sabiduría de mil mundos, y las amistades de otros mil mundos.
El intento de reconocer algún rastro de lo que es mi vida hoy, se ha desvanecido con el inexistente tiempo. El intento de conseguir esa sabiduría inmensa de la que se habla, es más simple de lo que parece. Las personas en este mundo utilizan solamente una pequeña porción de lo que es su cerebro; lo que lograrían si pudieran aprender a utilizarlo en su totalidad. La reconciliación con lo que se vive en este mundo, por momentos se desvanece de mi alma y se reengendra en mi corazón, una vez finalizada su visita a lo desconocido, para otra vez conocer lo desconocido, y así lograr lo que me era difícil antes.
La gran descarga de energía, la gran ayuda que esperábamos, el momento que todo llega a su fin, y cada uno termina su misión como debe, de la forma que debe, se realizará cuando se deba... Pero hasta que llegue ese momento, cada uno permanece intrigado durante un largo período, queriendo saber que es lo que lo rige, que es lo que hace que se comporte de esa forma, que es lo que lo maneja tal como un titiritero a un títere.
Lo que no se comprende hoy, se comprenderá mañana o cuando se comprenda. La sonrisa facilita la percepción de esa comprensión. Todo lo puede. El alma y el cuerpo son uno, pero si vives la vida de un corazón estresado, siempre latiendo rápido, débilmente: ni el alma ni el cuerpo te acompañarán en tu travesía por este mundo.
Sep 23, 2012
Indefinite holes and episodes.
Go back into your memories. Is there anything you wish you hadn't done? Or something you wish you had done instead of doing what you did? Go back and do not hesitate. You will find that everything you have done is perfect. Everything is as it should be, and more. Do not hesitate and answer to the questions you set aside at some time. Answer them the way you would have wanted them to be answered. Sometime, during those moments, your life turned, shifted, in a way you never expected. whether it caused you happiness, sadness, joy, or anger, it shouldn't matter. You should still be able to go on living the way you did, and never forget those episodes which made your life take a spin for a split second. Remind yourself of enjoying every minute once in a while, because everything is worth anyone's time. SMILE.
Aug 18, 2012
I won't give up on us.
"When I look into your eyes it's like watching the night sky, or a beautiful sunrise, well, there's so much they hold. And just like them old stars, I see that you've come so far to be right where you are, how old is your soul?
Well, I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up. And when you're needing your space, to do some navigating, I'll be here patiently waiting, to see what you find.
'Cause even the stars they burn, some even fall to the earth, we've got a lot to learn. God knows we're worth it. No, I won't give up I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily. I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make. Our differences, they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got, yeah. We got a lot at stake, and in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend for us to work. We didn't break, we didn't burn, we had to learn how to bend without the world caving in. I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am.
I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up. Still looking up. I won't give up on us, no I'm not giving up. God knows I'm tough enough, I am tough, I am loved. We've got a lot to learn, we're alive, we are loved. God knows we're worth it, and we're worth it. I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up." Jason Mraz - I won't give up
Jun 26, 2012
The pressure of water
Silence. All I can hear is the silence that surrounds me. The sun above makes everything around me look shiny and somehow strangely familiar. I decide to stay, because I feel comforted by the sensation of the water around my body, tangling in my hair, making my skin cold. I can't breathe, but I know I will be able to resist the feeling. My face is relaxed, my hair making swirls I can't completely understand, my body trembling because of the cold water. I don't want to move, because I know that if I do, I will be pulled out of my favourite place: inside myself, thinking about everything that goes on inside my body, my mind, my own universe. I live in my own place where I know I'm happy, so the reality disappears whenever this presents itself. I don't want or need anything in this moment, I just want to enjoy the feeling of the water flowing into me, letting it enter and place itself between each cell in my body. Taking my energy back and forth and neutralizing it, absorbing every negative charge and pushing it as far from my body as possible. The sun rays make the light of my body and the water around me shine like diamonds, radiating happiness and warm brightness to the world outside. I can feel the pressure rise as I sink even more, into the depths of the water, risking everything in my body to dilate and get swallowed in the darkness beneath me. I'm getting away from the light of the sun, but every second I feel happier, because the silence is greater as I get away from the thin surface, where I know I might get tender and give in to the need of air. I can hear the music playing in my head, the wonders and colors that each sound produces before my eyes. I look up, and verify that I can still feel what I am. Now I know who I am as well. The need to burst to the surface to reality again is annoying, but I'm still happy I had that moment of brilliant and obscure silence in my head and in front of my eyes. I use the last gush of air inside my lungs to enjoy a laugh where I can feel and hear my own heart beating. Now I listen. Nothing to hear but the mumble of words turning in circles inside my head. The silence around me makes me close my eyes, as I let my body float to the surface slowly. My hair tangles in front of my face, and the top of my head enjoys the last centimetres of water which separate it from reality and the air. I push slowly out of the water, letting air gush out of and into my lungs. I'm out of myself, naked, stripped to the bone, open to everything, and into reality, to face the rest of my life. Another breath of air, which makes me pull myself together and gather strength to confront what had been, before, laid in front of me. I close my eyes again, and give my first step into my new life.
Happiness is just what you try to find, when your mind is elsewhere.
Never try to hide what you're feeling, because anything that happens you must analize, and have a friend reason with you, just to help you reconnect with your happiness.
The persuit of happiness is what you have to finally find to get on your right track.
The persuit of happiness is what you have to finally find to get on your right track.
Apr 15, 2012
Think. Believe. Convince. Know.
As I start what I believe I started, I can't see where I've gotten lately, because of what is blinding me. I can't see what I have, I can't see what I need to see... But even though I don't know, I trust, and I believe I have what I want. Let the words flow from you head to the paper, and don't mind if there's coherence between the words... Because all that matters is the intention of writing. I might not know what I have, but I do know what I believe I have. If it is so complicated, why can't I just fly away, and swim in long rivers, and across the sea, where I know I want to be? I love to let words fly away from my mouth, and pretend I have no idea what I'm writing, or talking about, when I actually do know, but what I say is incoherent. I think to start believing. I start believing, to start convincing myself about something I need to know is true. In the end, as I go though what I know, I believe what I know. So, I know what I have, and I'm sure of what I want. What I think is what I want, and what I want is what I think. Now I know.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)